ever engaged the services of a child therapist to help a child get over the emotional aspects of a surgery.
After a surgery Parker is always so mad at me. Reed he loves. Me, not so much. I know that this is not unusual for a child to be angry at their Mom for the surgery and pain.
But it tends to continue even after we are home. During the day Parker won’t let me out of his sight, yet doesn’t want to engage in anything with me either. Then Reed comes home and Parker is just full of hugs etc., for his Dad.
Parker also isn’t sleeping. I can hold him and rock him and THINK he is sleeping, but the second I move and he THINKS I might put him down he just freaks out.
If I leave Parker’s sight during the day he freaks out. He can’t handle being left alone. Even if all I’m gone for is a super quick potty break. Now I just bring him with me and sit him down where he can see me.
Yeah. TMI. I know. But I’m totally lost here.
This happened after Parker was trached, but it is much worse this time.
I’m still going in to love on him whether he likes it or not. I’m reading to him and singing to him even if he is with Reed.
But this obviously isn’t enough to help with the anger Parker is feeling.
And then you add in the dilations each day which also makes this poor kid so, so upset…….
I am at a loss. My heart is breaking.
He is one hurt and angry little guy here.
I’m wondering if anyone knows of any books I could read, sites I could visit, etc. Share some experiences? I’m really concerned that these surgeries could cause emotional issues for Parker down the road.
My heart hurts for you just reading your post. I don’t have any advice, I’m sorry, I just haven’t been through this before. I imagine it must be hard for Parker to understand the need for the surgeries etc, so it would be hard to explain it to him, what 3 yr old would understand all of that! It sounds like you’re doing the right thing by continuing what you’ve always done so he knows you love him. Wish this was easier on the both of you…hope he comes around soon!
Tammy – (((HUGS))) I have no advice to offer or words to comfort – but you are in our prayers! Much love!
Tammy – Hang in there, you’re really doing better than it feels like. It is SO hard, especially when they are little and can’t talk to you about it. Jacqui has had 27 procedures/surgeries requiring anesthesia so far and it was never easy. I teared up seeing that photo of Parker with his back to you — I’ve seen that turned shoulder in my own child so very many times.
I was the one with her all day, doing the painful dressing changes, replacing G-tubes, changing trachs — all the things she hated. Ken would come home and she would want nothing to do with me, she would pull away from me and howl, “Noooooo! Daddy! Want Daddy!” while my heart shattered into a million pieces. Four of her surgeries were at 6 week intervals and it would be about the fifth week that she would start warming up to me again. I would just cry myself to sleep at night knowing that in another week I’d be the bad guy once again. But like you, I loved on her whether she liked it or not.
She’s five now, and knows she’s loved beyond measure. She crawls into my lap for hugs and kisses and stories. She tells me that she loves me, that I’m the “bestest mommy in the whole wide world.” She still gets scared with procedures, but now she understands that I care that she’s hurting and that everything that is done is to help her. In some ways, surgeries are harder when they are older because they understand so much, but she knows that her Dad and I are there for her no matter what.
I’m quite confident it will be the same for you and Parker. Just keep loving him like you are, Tammy. He knows you love him and that love is going to see you both through. In the mean time, know that I’m praying for your beautiful, broken mommy’s heart. One tick of the clock at a time, Sweetie — just keep hugging him tight. Hugs to you both!
~Michelle @ In The Life Of A Child
Oh I wish I could help. I know it must be so hard on all of you. But you are doing the right thing for sure by keeping on showing him love and singing to him and loving on him no matter what. Poor baby is probably still scared without you in his site. This post breaks my heart. You are such a wonderful mom Tammy. You are doing the right things!
Love,
Amy
Oh, heartache! Wish I had some answers for you, but I’m at a loss. So I will send prayers your way, that Parker may find comfort in his momma’s hugs again soon.
Love & hugs~
I don’t have answers either. But know that I will be praying for this part of the journey as well. Many hugs Mommy, I know this must hurt your heart!
Wish I had some good advice to give you, but I too am at a loss. Of course, you are doing all of the right things. I imagine it must be so hard for Parker. He loves you and needs you close, but at the same time, he associates you with all of the medical “stuff”. I know that given all of the medical expenses/insurance issues you have, getting a visiting nurse to take over some the medical care is probably out of the question.
Never forget how much he loves you, and while the photo of him turning his back on you breaks my heart, you do have to admire this kid’s determination and spirit. He’s mad, and he’s going to let you know it! He’s a fighter, remind yourself how far that “fight” has taken him. Know that once he is healed and feeling better, he is going to be back to his sweet self (of course he is still a sweetie–just an angry one.!) Sending hugs and prayers.
I experienced the same sort of thing with my oldest son, Archie. When he was a few months short of two-years-old and going through his treatment protocol for AML he was so, so angry with me. So angry.
Daddy was great, Grandma was even better, Grandfather was a-okay, too. But Mommy was awful. Mommy was to be ignored, hit in the face. Mommy was only good enough if no one else was available.
But Archie still wanted me in his sight at all times, and if I was gone for whatever reason he would constantly ask where I was, “Mama? Mama?”
I don’t think it helped either that Archie’s brother and sister (twins, born when Archie was about 22 months old) were born during this time either. It must have been so confusing and difficult for him. I know it was a confusing and difficult time for me, too.
He did get past the anger, though. He and I are good now. I won’t lie to you. It took a long time, but he likes me again. I know he always loved me, but I know now that he likes me, too.
Archie still has a special place in his heart for his grandparents, but that is how it should be, I think. And Daddy is always one of his favorite people, of course. I believe that kids know mommys are special, that mommys run the show. That if something happened to you mommy most likely knew about it and let it happen. I think that’s why we’re to blame for so many things in our kids’ minds.
But I also think it’s why they love us so much, even when they don’t like us very much.
Hang in there, Tammy. It’ll get better.
i don’t have any advice but i think you are smart to love on him even if he doesn’t want it! he knows you love him and he loves you too or else he wouldn’t care if you left him alone for a minute! maybe it’s because you are the one with him most of the day and does most his cares so it seems to him you are the one he can pout with!? i don’t know- sorry! but he is so so very cute, even when he is mad!
That sounds really hard. The only thing I can possibly think of is that the sleep deprivation canNOT be helping the situation, and would it be possible to get him some sort of sleep aid? It seems to me that if he were well rested, he would heal faster and feel better.
Just keep right on lovin’ and huggin’ him. He doesn’t know any better right now!
awww…hugs to you!! It might be a little worse this time because he’s a little older. But hang in there…..he might be mad but he loves his mommy and you know that. It’ll get better….just as he is healing.
I dunno, honey. My heart tells me that he needs love and time, but my heart is also breaking for both of you. Poor little fella. Poor mama.
I wish I could help. Evan was extra clingy after surgeries and never got mad at me for any of the things I have had to do to him. He has a super forgiving personality and would flirt with nurses seconds after they had done something painful to him.
I will try and start researching on Friday. I have the golf tournament tomorrow, but I’ll start looking for things.
Suzie
Hi Tammy! I though Parky might like to look at the pictures I just put on my blog.
I hope things are going better. I have been praying.
Much Love,
Amy
Tammy,
Hugs coming your way. Is there a child life specailist at the hospital that you connected with and would feel comfortable in giving that person a call and asking for some books or information to help. Also just know that Parker’s love for you is at it strongest right now. He is confident that he can turn his back on you ( using non verbal communication skills to tell you about his pain) and know that you will still be there for him and love him. I know it is hard right now but try and admire the strengh, determination and confidence that Parker has. He is a wonderful little boy with an AWESOME mommy.
Hugs
Kay Drakesmom
I know I am probably preaching to the converted here but has he had a blessing JUST for the emotional aspects? I know he is sure to have had blessings for his health and the ops etc but maybe he just needs some extra comfort. I spent 4 YEARS watching my little boys suffer such rage and pain after they were abducted by a pedophile, I prayed and begged, I did everything child psychologists said to do and say…and then in desperation one night, when I couldn’t bear one more night of night terrors and screaming and such sadness, I was asked how had blessed them…DUH! They were given a blessing of comfort that night and I promise you there was never a night terror from then on, peaceful little boys who are now grown men.
Sometimes, we have no option but to let the Lord know we trust Him. HE loves Parker and will comfort him, bless that precious baby’s heart, he is just glorious!
Bless your heart. My heart hurts just reading this. And sweet little parker, even though I can’t see his face I just want to pick him up! I don’t have any answers for you but will be lifting you up as I always try to do in my prayers. You are such an amazing Mom. It is so easy to “see”.