My heart broke a little bit.
We often have a little neighborhood boy come to our house. Usually he comes to swing on the swing set. But as Parker’s health has improved we’ve invited him to come in and play.
At first all was well. But as time as passed we’ve noticed some things that are concerning.
I’ll be the first to admit, Parker is always so excited to have someone come to play that he gets very excited. Hugs are shared. A lot. Parker doesn’t do this much with adults, but with kids his age, his exuberance is great.
I understand that not everyone likes to have their personal space invaded. It’s something we are working on.
Playtime with this neighborhood friend usually contains lots of “Come and swing with me, Parker!” or “Let’s play this Parker!”
Lately though what we’ve been hearing have been more “Parker, get away! I’m playing with this!”
There have been pushes and shoves if Parker takes too long to go down the slide in our basement.
I’ve usually counteracted this by reminding everyone of our house rules which include everyone needs to play nicely, speak nicely and no pushing allowed.
This reminder usually works.
Except for Saturday when this neighborhood friend replied, “So what? Parker can’t even talk!”
Because the kid that can talk rules the kid that can’t, don’t ya know.
When things still didn’t improve, it was decided that playtime was over and the neighborhood friend was escourted out the door.
As the mother of five other kids I’m no stranger to kids’ being rude to each other. It happens.
But this time was different.
How does a kid this young master such disdain? Forget mere cooties, to this kid Parker was a in a class so low that he didn’t even need to be treated with the simple respect that comes with just playing at someone else’s house.
Most heart breaking is that Parker was willing to endure it just to have a friend that wanted to come over. Even if that friend was coming over for the toys and not the friendship.
I’m going to nip this ‘friendship’ in the bud for now. The next time the doorbell rings I’ll politely explain that until this little neighbor can play without pushing and while sharing, Parker will be playing with other friends.
I’ll explain, once again, that even though Parker can’t talk, his feeling still get hurt when someone is mean to him.
I’m not giving up on friends for Parker . I’ll be setting up play dates. I’ll be inviting both a friend and their Mom over for the first few times. This way when I explain things I can also explain them to the Mom who then can reinforce these ideas at home.
I hope.
How have you addressed friends and your child with special needs?
We are dealing with a similar situation but it is MY son who is the ‘normal’ kid. My kids started school last week and we chose to have them attend the YMCA after-school program at the school. One of the kids there is a special needs teenager who is the daughter of one of the teachers. She gets bused from the high school and waits at the YMCA program until her mother is finished. Day 1 went fine. Day 2 had our 5 year old with neuro-muscular issues hiding under a table afraid of her. Day 3 was more crying and hiding and near panic. Day 4….well, I got called by the school counselor and his teacher. He was shaking and crying and refusing to go to the Y program. I was mortified! As far as i knew, she had never done anything to him and his reaction was so out there!
We spent the weekend talking about her, I took him to work with me on Saturday and he met 8 special needs kids, all different, and had zero problems. Heck, he IS a special needs kid!
I’ll let you know how it turns out. I am walking him from class to the program myself today. I have the feeling if the parents of the other child knew how he was behaving they would be mortified too……but then I have to wonder where he learned that behavior.
It is hard for us, because of where Evan’s stroke damage is he has a hard time with friends since he does not react the way the other kids would expect. That will be one of the main focuses of his IEP this year, teaching him how to relate better to peers. Luckily he is very close to his younger brother Harry so he does get interaction with a kid close to his own age.
I feel like I could write a book on this topic, lol. I generally go to the parents in this type of situation. Just say something like, ‘hey, when Timmy was over the other day, he seemed like he wasn’t sure how to interact with Parker because Parker can’t talk as well as he can. I could talk to him about it, but I think it would be more meaningful coming from you’. If they aren’t embarrassed and don’t talk to him, than either (a) they are just sending their child over as a ‘good deed’ (blech) or (b) they welcome the break from their child. Neither is helpful to Parker.
By far, our best playdates are with siblings of other children with DS. They just get it and are used to it, so it’s not an issue at all. I realize this isn’t always possible, but when it is, seek it out.
It seems like kids are more curious than anything until about 7-8. After that, it’s alot tougher to get them to interact appropriately if they haven’t had exposure to kids who aren’t just like them and/ or haven’t been raised to be tolerant and accepting of difference. One thing Mina told me was that some of her friends had asked if they could catch DS from Nana, so I’m always sure to tell them that she was born with it and they can’t catch it. That does seem to help.
With friends, it’s definitely quality, not quantity. Parker is lucky to have great siblings and if you can find just a few others, that will be better than lots of negative experiences, in my book.