I’ve noticed lately that sometimes adults expect less out of kids with special needs than they do from typical kids.
“Oh, that’s okay.” Don’t worry about it. I understand.”
Um. No, it’s not. Not only will he pick that up but he’ll apologize to you as well, I think to myself. Just like any other kid, Parker needs to understand what is appropriate and is not appropriate to do.
I find that often when asked what someone can do with Parker, I’ll give them a suggestion knowing that should keep Parker busy for about 10 minutes.
20 seconds later they are back, apologetically explaining to me that ‘Parker really didn’t want to do that’
I know their intentions are good. Truly I do.
But since when does a 7 year old get to decide how long he wants to work at an assigned task?
I mean, if a typical 7 year old said that he didn’t want to complete an assigned task, we’d simply tell him to finish the task…..and if necessary throw in a little stink eye for good measure.
Why are we so often willing to give the kid with the diagnosis a free pass?
My kid may have an extra chromosome, but he can still recognize a flashing ‘sucker’ sign on someone’s forehead when he sees it.
Then there are those who simply don’t want to put in the extra effort it takes for Parker to paint, or color, or complete his alphabet puzzle.
I agree, there are days I spend what seems like all day hand over handing with Parker the activities he needs to finish. I know that just like a typical kid, if I give my kid with special needs an inch, tomorrow he’s going to want to take a mile.
Even if Parker doesn’t seem to be paying attention to tracing that word in sugar, I know he’s still getting something out of the activity, even if it’s nothing more than the discipline of finishing a task.
It is important to insist our kids with special needs follow through and meet the measure of what they are capable of doing.
Now, how to we get others to expect the same?
Yup. The best advice I was ever given was “Treat him just like your other children when it comes to training (with a smidgen of modification at times).” In return, I’ve got a better behaved 5-year-old with Down syndrome than many “neurotypical” 5-year-olds.
Blessings.
Happens all the time! Sarah Kate is in third grade now and has forgotten her homework several times. Her teacher finally marked her off on her behavior sheet for it last week because “She’s just so sweet and I just love her!”
Yes, she is a good kid, and all of her teachers have loved her. But she’s in third grade and she’s in the gifted program, so there’s no reason why she shouldn’t be able to get her homework into her backpack and get it to school.
Nathan isn’t quite old enough for *true* discipline, as he’s not yet two, but he’ll be worse, I think. He may have Down syndrome, but he is a brilliant manipulator – tell him “no” and he’ll flash you the biggest smile you’ve ever seen. Even I have trouble with it, and I’m his MOM.
I agree! We treat Brooke just the same as her twin brother. I feel like family gives her a pass more than others. She walks all over them & sometimes I just let her. I think “hey, it’s your doing! Tell her no, make her pick that up, etc!”
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I agree. I also think sometimes our kids are JUDGED more – for bad behavior or even just typical behavior – especially in school. Even though five other kids in Brady’s class may exhibit some of the same behaviors he does – he gets judged more for it and it gets brought up that he shouldn’t be in regular ed. because he does this and this and this, but there are other kids who do the same things – but because they don’t have cognitive disabilities, it would never be suggested that they be anywhere but reg. ed.
It is kind of a two way slippery slope. We expect the same things of Brady as his peers and siblings, but we do take his developmental age into things and make modifications based on that. We also have to take into account that he has ADD, SID, and a slower processing speed. So – while the expectations are the same – how we get there may be a little different
But hey – that is just my kid and everyone else has their own spin on things – but I totally agree – give an inch and he will take a mile and can definitely spot a sucker from a mile away
Good post!
Christie,
Absolutely on the modifications!
We expect the same things of Parker as we did with our older kids, but to the level that he is able to do those things.
And good point on the behavior issues. sigh….. Keep up the good fight!
Kids attention span is 2 minutes per year of their age, for kids who are considered average. So if your child is 5, then his learning activity should last about 10 minutes, then is should be altered or take a small break to help them refocus. Kids with special needs is adjusted for which age they are mentally at. So if your child is 6 or 7 and his learning level is 3 or 4, then his time for each function should only be 6 to 8 minutes before you move on to something new. Unless is something they realling like.
I do find the comment you made about an assigned task for a 7 year old a bit odd. Why is anyone but you and your husband or his teacher giving him “tasks”. If it’s teaching him life skills, they pick that up on repetition with you and his teachers working on it.
I have yet to meet the special needs child who doesn’t set their own schedule on learning. One of my past students who was unique, only did their school in the late evening. He focused better. The biggest barrier was getting the family to be more flexible and working with him at his preferred time, not what was the norm for society with day time school. Second biggest barrier was getting the parents to realize teaching was their job (and teachers and therapists) not their other children or nurses (they only work with what you taught or are in the process of teaching). It’s the same for all children; kids who have parents helping with homework and reading typically excel more in school. Parents who leave the reinforcement and teaching to “other” people are generally less successful with the results.
I may be reading between the lines, but it seems maybe the wrong people are being asked to do the task. Maybe ensure the correct expectations are being placed on each person involved with your sons care. It is a team effort. You don’t assign the teacher to change his bandages or give meds, just like you don’t assign your nurse to teach the alphabet. Everyone has their job.
I often find the “free pass” people are seeming to give is generally due to lack of knowledge or expectations you have for your child. Every parent is different and no matter how smart, talents or unique your child it, each parent teaches what is socially acceptable from their perspective. Let people who work with your family know up from what you expect as far as behaviors go and any consequences you have in place. I think you will find the “free pass” he is getting was just courtesy because they didn’t want to offend.
Hi MomsTeacher,
Parker doesn’t go to school because of his health. He has nurses a few days a week while I try and get a few things done around here. If I didn’t ask the nurses to do things with him, puzzles, stamping, etc., he would pretty much hang out stimming on his O2 tubing, or getting into stuff that he shouldn’t be….climbing on the table…..getting into the cupboards, etc.
I home school Parker and work with him most of the day, but when I run an errand, or need to clean a bathroom, then I ask one of his nurses to work with him. They never teach a new concept, just reinforce other through an art project or something like that.
If the task is to trace a letter on his sandpaper board 5 times, then it needs to be done 5 times. Parker is king of seeing how well he can get out of something. I have even seen people give up and then Parker bring the task to them to finish up.
But I will ask one of my older kids to do an activity with him while I cook dinner or something. It may be painting or something on the iPad.
We do lots of refocusing activities too. Bouncing on a large ball is one of them.
Again, either I (I hold teaching degrees) or his special needs teacher introduces a concept. We are the ones responsible to make sure he masters it……and I do most of the reinforcing. However I do engage others a few times during the day to reinforce a concept when I need to attend to something else. And that reinforcement comes in tasks like art projects, puzzles, books, etc. But once he starts that puzzle, I want him to finish it, if that makes sense.
I agree with you that kids with sn tend to set their own learning times. I’m learning this one with Parker’s speech. While he’s quite capable of signing when he really wants something, he likes to rely on me being able to read his mind.
If you have any ideas for that, I’d LOVE to know.
You’re awesome. And yes, it astonishes parents that after a few sessions I have gotten many a hyperactive 2 year old to focus for 45 minutes at a time, put away a toy before choosing the next one, and say or sign “please” to get what s/he wants. It is all about having high, clear expectations and then modifying as necessary according to the needs and abilities of the kiddo.
You don’t. You can’t change what people think of you or your kid. Especially with a loud voice it just makes it worse on others kids. Especially kids in your own district. So you continue to advocate and say in a persistent voice,he can do it himself and continue on.
Jamie,
I totally agree with you on continuing to advocate. And I do kinda hope that as more parents advocate, more minds will be changed.
My friend once told me of an experience she had in a small groups classroom setting. She had brought in treats and was proceeding to open them for all the children. The teacher pulled her aside and explained to her that the children needed to do this task themselves. They were all capable of doing this, but would happily allow someone else to do it too.
You do a great job Tammy. I can see you put a lot of effort into your son’s care. I do apologize if I came across as rude or insensitive. I have seen a lot of parents recently not understanding what the team they are blessed with really can do for them. Many parents seem to use their nurses as a teacher and vice versus, or a babysitting service rather than for the things they are trained and paid to do. I know from personal experience it can be difficult to find the balance. I have to admit I mistreated a couple of nurses in the past before I understood what their job was, and I am afraid I even scared away one from homecare as a result.
One of my best friends has done home care pediatrics for over 10 years now and she said one of her biggest frustrations has been 1) Kids who lose funding and need more hours. 2) Parents treating the nurses like the teenage babysitter 3)Parents not communicating expectations, like how they do certain activities, or what activities their kid can do. She said she may have patients with similar issues, but they all play and react differently…Like most moms I liked to think my way of doing things was the only way and everyone should automatically know. Oh how life can teach some hard lessons.
Most of the problems my friend has been due to poor communication (on hers and the families), every family is different and to expect your nurse to know everything or read your mind is hard on both parties. And it is a learning curve on both sides. I have had to deal with many nurses in my years, and have learned flexibility first, to let my anger or irritation die before talking second, and to write down my expectations and suggestions to pass on to new nurses. I found they stick around longer and I have less to complain and worry about, and most appreciate a check list they can hand back to me so they know my main priorities were met for the day.
I also use to keep an activity list and childs behaviors (rules) list so the caregivers had a reference because one of my nurses reminded me that they have lots of patients and each family has its own rules for the child and toys and games they are allowed or know how to play. It also helped when other family or friends helped out so they knew too!
Oh, you didn’t come across rude or insensitive.
It’s not just nurses I’ve noticed this with. Doctors. Grandparents. Neighbors All well meaning, truly. :0)
You are right in regards to the nurses. They’ve been trained in…..nursing. Some are more intuitive because they have kids of their own. But many have no kids yet. I’d be a much different teacher now, after having kids, than I was before I had kids.
I need to take more time to teach our nurses how best to work with Parker. Sit beside him, hand over hand……..and that clapping does a world of good for this kid.
With our old nursing company we had the same daily nurse, and just two night nurses. Now we have several day nurses that rotate each week. So they don’t get to know Parker as well as the one nurse he had before.
I have a daily schedule/check list written up. I print off a new copy every day. But I think I’ll take your advice and also put together an activity list of things Parker can do and what levels he can do them at.
I read about an experiment in which a high school placed grade A students in the bottom class and grade D students in a top-class.The students were told they were placed in the correct classes and by the end of the semester they were getting the grades they were told they got. I know this experiment is highly unethical and would never be allowed now, but it highlights how much damage or good expectations can do.
I’ll try and find a link about the experiment, I did manage to find it earlier.
Expectation of someone’s achievement is so important no matter what their abilities. Good luck teaching people to expect the best of Parker.
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I’m glad you stick to your guns on this. Good for you!
This is such a great post. I have five children, and although none have special needs, I still can struggle to get them to accomplish things. I love how you say Parker still knows a sucker when he sees them.
I am probably guilty of not having the same expectations of children with special needs. You have opened my eyes to that fact. They are all just children, testing their boundaries and seeing what they can get away with.